Part II- Ages 5-7

My daughter entered Kindergarten with separation anxiety but it had improved slightly since preschool.  She still cried and clung to my leg but once separated and engaged in school, she interacted with friends and teachers.  She began school knowing her letters, sounds, numbers..slightly above the average entry level kindergartner.  She was proud of her work, excited to read to us at night.  As busy working parents, we spent as much time with our kids as we could.  They loved to run around outside, explore nature, my daughter loved to sing, Taylor Swift being her favorite performer during this period, and read books at bedtime.  She was not afraid to go upstairs alone and would be happy and outgoing on days with us.  She really was well behaved and very inquisitive…often noticing details that we would never have seen.

Life as we knew it changed a few days after Christmas of her kindergarten year.  She was laying on the couch, shortly after waking up, watching cartoons.  She began panicking that she had to throw up, so I assumed she was sick and ushered her into the bathroom.  She kept yelling that she was afraid to throw up.  We sat there for a while with her panicking but no signs of sickness.  (As a note, she had only thrown up once before, in September of that year while at school.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary…throwing up is never fun but it wasn’t traumatic as far as I could tell.)  From that moment on, the day escalated.  She continued to panic about throwing up…ripping her shirt off and refusing to put it back on because the feeling near her throat/neck made her think of throwing up.  We could not get her to calm down or explain what she was thinking/feeling.  She wouldn’t leave our side nor would she leave the house with us.

We honestly had no idea what was going on.  We hoped that she would go to bed that night and feel better in the morning.  That did not happen!  We began researching information and found nothing.  I reached out to the school counselor, hoping to get a direction in which to turn.  As Christmas vacation came to an end, we had to return to work/school.  Our daughter was in a constant state of panic and would not wear a shirt so there was no way we were getting her to school.  I met my father half way between our house and his house (she was very close with her grandparents and comfortable with them) and he took her home with him for the week with the hope that a calm week would help her relax.  At the end of the week, she came home and was slightly less anxious but the sweet, happy girl was gone.  She was anxious and sad every moment.  She did return to school but clung to her teacher and stopped engaging with students.  She did not participate in classroom activities, her mind completely focused on her fears.

We found a counselor who offered some insight but it did not provide much relief.  We me with a hypnotist to see if it was an option.  I had read that hypnosis can change the path of thoughts, getting rid of an OCD thought.  We decided it was not the best option for our  5 year old.  As time continued, she seemed to talk less often about the fear of puking, her personality slowly returning.

She started first grade at a new school.  We had to walk her into the teacher every morning, crying as we left her.  She did participate in school slightly more than before but we could tell early on that her anxiety was impeding her learning.  She did get sick and throw up once during first grade but she did head into a tailspin.  The year continued slowly but she made it through.  We had a great summer with little anxiety that year.  She started second grade, having to be walked in and crying.  We noticed the anxiety slowly creeping back in…more discussions and thoughts surrounding the fear of throwing up.  She also started talking about hating school and not wanting to go.  It was a struggle to get her up and out the door each morning.  At that time, she was small enough that we could dress her and put her in the car.  It was awful to start each morning with a sad child that you must send off to school so that you can make it to work on time.  We found another counselor during this time who told us that the anxiety was not that big of a deal…she was manipulating us to get wants she wants.  More or less, our problems were based on her behaviors.  I absolutely believe that she had some behavior issues that she could have controlled better but that the underlying issue was no doubt anxiety.  I freely admit that we coddled her a lot because it was so heartbreaking to see her so anxious.  We would do most anything to make her happy.  We also realized quickly that we had to pick our battles, knowing that certain things were not worth the fight.  Looking back, I see the problems with coddling but at the same time, what research shows as best practice can be very difficult to do during the day to day moments of life.  At this point, we were making it through each day but we knew life could, and should, be better.  Little did we know how much worse it would get, beginning December 3 of her second grade year.

Should we have had more resources early on?

I was planning on continuing with my daughter’s story, but a friend from high school asked an interesting question that I felt should be addressed.  She asked me if I felt the doctor should have done more for us by referring us to a specialist or offering more resources early on, seeing that many times early intervention can lead to greater success.  I thought about her question a lot today…and I truly believe he did the best he could given what we told him and what he saw in our daughter.  (Each visit he saw a very “normal” child in his office.)  Now, almost 9 years later, I do wonder if doctors are paying more attention to anxiety in young children though.

When we explained Julia’s behaviors to the doctor, he didn’t seem concerned, assuring us it wasn’t abnormal and children often grow out of this “phase”.  I felt then, and I have felt many times since, that professionals often think I am being an over protective mother, exaggerating my experiences.  The teachers and counselors at the preschools also did not seem concerned about her extreme “separation anxiety”.  I questioned myself thinking maybe I was just being overly concerned as a first time mother and not being able to help my child feel better.

I did spend time researching my daughter’s “symptoms and behaviors” and came across information on childhood anxiety.  She did not fit the descriptions because, outside of school, she really did not show many signs.  She was not skiddish or apprehensive about new things such as traveling and sleeping in new places, she wasn’t worried about the dark, she ran around on various playgrounds, explored the outdoors with us, and spoke to adults in restaurants.  She would not do anything unless we were with her though.  She would not go to dance classes, birthday parties, Easter egg hunts, etc.  She did not show any signs of delayed development intellectually or physically, rather she was “advanced” in both areas.  Her anxiety did not fit common descriptions then and it most definitely does not fit expectations or treatments now either.

So no, I do not blame the doctors or school personnel for their lack of guidance or references because I do not think they honestly saw a problem.  I do hope that as the stigma around mental health changes and more people share their stories as parents, we are able to recognize it earlier in children…even when it does not present itself in a typical fashion.  (For example, we are now learning that poor behavior is often a sign of anxiety as opposed to a bratty child.)   As educators, doctors, and therapists know, early intervention can lead to greater long term success.  I do think had we known earlier what we were dealing with, we would have made different choices in many areas that could have greatly impacted our daughter’s childhood experience.  We did not get any real help until she was 7 1/2 years old, and by then, much damage had been done.  I truly believe that the depth of our daughter’s anxiety is rare but that anxiety at any level is challenging.  Our world continues to change at a rapid pace and unfortunately for those predisposed for anxiety, these changes are not always positive.  I hope that we can continue to shed light on anxiety for all ages and that anxiety is not a weakness and help is available.

The Beginning

Looking back,my daughter has always had anxiety, only we didn’t realize it at the time.

When I was pregnant, I was teaching a class of 20 kindergartners.  I (naively) thought if I can teach 20 5 -year- olds, parenting will be a piece of cake.  It is only 1 child.  WOW…the stupid things we say before we have kids!  (Add to that…my child will always wear cute clothes with matching bows from Gymboree, she will never chew gum or drink pop, she will never sleep in our bed, the list goes on and on!)  Actually, my daughter was an amazing baby and toddler…she was happy, outgoing, funny, talked early, smart, silly, slept well, traveled well…everything you dream of when you think of your child.  I returned to work 8 weeks after I had her, leaving her with an amazing woman who watched a few kids in her home.  My daughter was always happy when we dropped her off and happy when we picked her up.  My favorite memory happened when my daughter told us that she needed to go to Target and get a purple pair of sandals because “everyone has a pair at Lupe’s (her baby-sitter)”.  We took her and bought the shoes.  When she went to the sitter’s the next day, we told her the story and she told us that no other child has purple sandals.  Julia was not even 2 years old yet but already knew how to get things she wanted!

All that happiness and enjoyment, while we were at worked, changed when she began preschool at the age of three.  Looking back, I wish I would not have felt such pressure to send her to preschool simply because she was three.  She began full day preschool, which was located in the same building as the elementary school in which I taught.  She cried and held onto me EVERY morning when it was time for school.  Many days, she cried throughout the day…often I would look out and see her standing next the teacher, crying on the playground.  It broke my heart but I truly believed, in the beginning, she just needed time to adjust.  I quickly realized that adjusting was not going to happen.  I spoke with her doctor, who assured me this was not abnormal.  We took suggestions from anyone who offered…we sent her to school with her blankie, a special stuffed animal, a picture of us, bribes for a new toy if she didn’t cry, anything that we thought might help.  NOTHING helped.

Inside, I knew it was not normal though.  I had taught school long enough to understand that this was far beyond simple separation anxiety or adjusting to a new situation.  I also had always thought that if something was really wrong, we would see it all of the time.  We did not see this “anxiety” except at school or school events.

She did not interact with kids, nor did she bond with her teacher.  That year, she was invited to birthday parties.  We would take her and she would sit on my lap and cry, even when I tried to interact with her and the other kids.  This never happened when she was with the babysitter her first three years…there, she interacted with all the children and the adults.  The school counselor reassured me that she would get through this.  She introduced me to the book, “The Highly Sensitive Child” by Elaine Aron, which I read the first evening I had it.  Without a doubt, it described by 3 year old.  I began referencing that book daily.  I took suggestions, shared information with her school, read pieces out loud to my husband, etc.  While it opened by eyes, it didn’t really help solve any of our problems.  It did help me understand her situation.  I slogged through each day, broken hearted that I had to leave my child in such a sad state.  I counted the days, hours, and minutes until weekends or breaks so that my daughter could be her happy silly self again, without the anxiety caused by being away from us.  I used that information, seeing that it was the best guide I had at the time, until she was 5 1/2 years old…that is when we realized we were in for something much bigger and more serious.

 

Avoidance is the worst choice

“Avoidance can be wonderfully soothing. And deceptive”  Karen Young

Our bodies were created to run at the first sign of danger, which is a wonderful response when being chased by a bear in the words.  However, it is a terrible response when you are feeling too anxious to walk into a 7th grade English class.  For our daughter, and for most people with anxiety, the quickest and easiest way to respond to an anxious feeling is to walk away from whatever is causing the awful, very real feeling.  Walking away from an non-threatening anxiety producing event creates a pattern that teaches the brain that walking away is the only solution to help with anxiety.  It has been our biggest battle to help our daughter push through these feelings and “face her fears”.  When she was young, we sheltered her from anything that we thought would cause her anxiety.  We wanted her to stay happy and relaxed.  We had the best intentions but we were actually causing more harm than good when looking at the long term goals.  I have attached an article that is very long but makes this point very well.  Now that our daughter is 12 years old, she is at an age where we cannot “make” her do something, she has to want to do it on her own.  More often than not, she avoids or walks away at the first feelings on anxiety.  She tells us that “I will do anything to get rid of that feeling”, even though she knows that it is not the best choice.  With therapy and A LOT of encouragement and reassurance, we see her pushing through anxious events more and more.  This is the key to success but it is so painful to experience.  As a parent, it is important to remind yourself of the long term goal because watching your child struggle and hurt is the worst pain in the world but I know she has an amazing future ahead of her…and I want to help her reach her best self!

https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-kids-and-teens-avoidance-brave-behaviour/

 

Anxiety is the worst bully

I hate anxiety!  “Bully” seems to be a buzzword right now.  The worst bully I have encountered happens to be the bully inside my daughter’s head.  This bully is anxiety, and it roars its beastly head without any notice and without any reason.  I often feel that anxiety is mentioned all around us, yet is mentions very little about debilitating anxiety.  There are thousands of families out there feeling the same way. Yet, when we google help, it talks about test anxiety or anxiety about being around a dog, something that, while difficult and sad for the child and their family, it is not something that disrupts the majority of their daily life, each and every day.  For those families who deal with extreme anxiety day in and day, there is little information on the internet and in books. Believe me, I have tried having a discussion with my child to calm her anxiety. I have tried bribing for being brave. I have tried sending my child to school with a picture of her family or her favorite lovey.  When a child is clinging to your leg like a sticky tree frog and crying hysterically, trust me, a discussion, bribery, or a special lovey is not going to be of any help. If your child has withdrawn from or refused to participate in social activities/hobbies, lost friends, refused to go to school, told you that they want to die rather than be scared all of the time, then I am hopeful that this blog makes you feel less alone.  I offer no magical cures but I can offer the knowledge that you are your child are not alone. You are not a bad parent and your child is not a bad child. Our families are stuck in the trenches of extreme and life altering anxiety. If you are like our family, you have tried a variety of techniques, ideas, and medication to help your child manage his or her anxiety. If you are like us, you have seen the light at the end of the tunnel for a period of time, until suddenly your thrown into the darkness once again, trying to claw your way back to the light.  Some days, you have hope that the light will shine through once again, and other day you feel like you will never smile again.

 

Where to Start

Wow.  I have been wanting to sit down for years and write a blog but I let the “I don’t know how to write a blog” fear get in the way.  No more!  I have so much I need to share because I am not the only mom dealing with a child with severe anxiety, but most days I feel incredibly lonely and often think that we are the only ones.  Right now our life feels like hell.  Our story is too long to post all at once so I will break it up into bits and pieces and I am sure I will bounce all over the place but it will all come out.  I hope to feel better once it is written, but most importantly I hope I reach at least one person who can read this and say to themselves…”wow, it is not just us.”  “We are not alone in this battle.”

The most important person in our story is my incredible 12 year old daughter.  If someone asked me to describe my daughter, I would say:  wicked sense of humor, stands up for those who are picked on, would pick an animal over a human any day, kind to anyone she meets, finds a way to compliment our server, check out clerk at the store, or any other person in a service position, extremely extroverted, has a beautiful voice, loves to snuggle, stands up for her brother, any many more.  However, when anxiety takes over everything wonderful about my daughter disappears. She becomes a self conscious, needy, quiet, child. Each time this happens, I mourn the loss of my daughter. While this may seem extreme to many of you, imagine having this ray of sunshine suddenly leave you and you are left with the dull shell. This is what happens each and every time extreme anxiety takes over her sweet body.  

Below is one of the best “quotes” I have seen.  I saw the quote and had it made into a sign for us to see everyday.  I hope it brings inspiration to our family, especially my daughter, each time we walk past!