I awoke this morning to a Facebook post that a friend from years ago passed away from cancer last night. She was only 39 years old. While this was not expected, it still hit me in the gut and reading her husband’s post brought me to tears. I met this incredibly brave, strong woman within days of finding out that I was pregnant with our first child, I was 24 and she was 25. Her husband worked with my husband. I remember my husband coming home from work and telling me that he was certain he found a new friend for me. We laughed because I have a hard time making friends, especially back then. She was a teacher, I was a teacher. She was trying for her first child, I was barely pregnant with our first child. She was a homebody, I was a homebody. We would be a perfect match on a dating site! As a couple, we got together soon after and found that we enjoyed each other’s company and had quite a bit in common. And then she got the devastating news that she had breast cancer. She was only 25 years old. Her hopes of becoming a mom in the near future were dashed. Our new friendship changed in that moment…because of me. Here we were discussing new babies and starting families, me with a baby growing inside and her with cancer growing inside. How truly unfair. I felt constant guilt when we were together. Why did I get the family and she didn’t? Our friendship continued over the next 5 years until we moved out of state. It never really deepened or grew though because I was so uncomfortable and guilt ridden due to our opposite circumstances. She however showed grace and confidence in herself, not allowing cancer to get in her way. She was at our children’s baby showers, visiting after they we born, going to dinner with us as a family, and sending us off to our new adventures with wishes of good luck. Never once did she let her circumstances change her, yet I let them affect me. I look back and regret that I didn’t try to find ways to help myself move through the guilt I felt and openly discuss her diagnosis. Our friendship was so new when her diagnosis came, that we were still getting to know each other. There had not been time to develop the ins and outs of a deep friendship. I was also selfishly consumed with my life as a new mother, not realizing how important it was to not lose myself in motherhood (even though at the age of 25 of I still really didn’t know who I was). I should have tried harder
Over the years, we stayed “friends” through Facebook, and I have followed her journey of motherhood and subsequently her return of cancer. I cried when I read her cancer returned, and chastised myself for not being a better friend early on because I once again, had no idea how to be a friend at this point. Her bravery, courage, and hope inspired me daily. Facebook doesn’t allow us to know what truly happens in a person’s life, rather showing us smiles and happiness through pictures and posts, but I could see that in the midst of battling cancer, she enjoyed every moment she had with her husband and daughter, knowing that her time was limited. The strength it took to fight can only be attributed to her strength as a mom. She wanted to be there for her daughter and she fought like hell every day for one more day. This is what parents do. We fight with everything we have for our children. Every time we think we cannot give anymore, we find a reserve deep inside and fight again. J and J…you know who you are. If you are reading this, know that your love and fight for life are inspiring. You bring hope to anyone fighting a battle. J, although cancer took away your life last night, cancer did not take you. You will always be in my memories. I will think of you as I watch your daughter grow. She will have you with her always, constantly reminding her to be brave, kind, and silly.
Everyone reading this, hug your loved ones a little tighter today. Be grateful for what you have, no matter how difficult the day may seem. There is always a battle to be fought but as a mother, I will fight that battle because my child is worth it and I am worth it.
Good-bye Anxiety, Hello Joy 